How to Avoid a Victim Mentality

An Unproductive Mental Mindset

By Nathan Gawlik

Nathan Gawlik's experience includes being a General Manager of a Hampton Inn and other front line roles such as a Banquet Captain, Front Desk Agent, Housekeeper, Catering Event Manager, and Director of Sales.

Victim Mentality

By Nathan Gawlik

We all feel life is out to get us sometimes. It's natural. The key is not to allow these feelings to develop long term behavior that limit our personal progress and ability to be productive.

A great mental check I often do when I feel overly burdened is to consider my Circle of Influence versus my Circle of Concern. This is a concept discussed by Stephen Covey in his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

Picture a circle with a smaller circle within it. In the larger circle are things that affect and concern you but that are outside your control. These are things like the weather and what politicians say. You can't change these things and putting energy towards these things is a waste of your limited time and resources. I would argue this is also the case with people.

As an innkeeper, you can't control your guests. You can try to influence their experience by offering lemon water in the reception area for example but ultimately what they choose to say about your property is up to them. When I have particularly rotten guests, I simply understand that I can't be all things to all people. I try my best to be amenable and provide excellent hospitality but there are those that can't be soothed.

From a management perspective, if you have staff; don't think you can control them because ultimately you can't control anyone. The only person you can control is you. Of course, you could try to force your staff to do something but they still have a choice. Only in the absence of choice does one truly have control over another.

Now consider your circle of influence in the same example. Leadership is influence, without it, you aren't a leader. This influence can fluctuate among people, over time and across distances. You have physically influenced the employee by pushing them but ultimately you can't change them. The only way to change is to start with yourself. Change starts from within, and highly effective people make the decision to improve their lives through the things that they can influence rather than simply reacting to external forces.

This is why Napoleon Bonaparte stated so eloquently, "If you want a thing done well, do it yourself"

Armed with this mentality you will see past problems have been liberated from your life. If an employee doesn't do as their told, ask yourself how could I have said things differently so they better understood? Perhaps they weren't receptive at the time and revisiting the discussion is the best course of action. Be inquisitive and seek first to understand. Ask what they understand about the previous conversation and why what you asked hasn't been completed. Could you have provided incentives or punishments if the expectations you detailed were not met?

Franklin Covey goes into greater detail about these concepts on his website. Check out his master class here.

Play the Hand you are Dealt and Play It Well

Ultimately, people in the hospitality industry come from all different backgrounds and all have different financial circumstances and levels of experience. The only thing we can all do, is play the hand we are dealt to the best of our ability.

Gather those around you that care for your success. If you have the support of people closest to you, it will only accelerate your ability to accomplish your goals and these people will help you when your down.

"Think of the life you have lived until now as over and, as a dead man, see what's left as a bonus and live it according to Nature. Love the hand that fate deals you and play it as your own, for what could be more fitting?"

– Marcus Aurelius

I like to think of life in chapters - once they have been written, they cannot be changed. Each new job, business venture, or curated relationship is a new chapter in your life. Once you realize that you are writing your life story each day you will be able to fill its pages with content worth reading. Benjamin Franklin said, "If we take care of the minutes, the years will take care of themselves.

"What are you going to do to make your situation better today? What can you influence to ensure the best outcome for your day? Discomfort is inevitable but suffering is a choice. Fear is tied to thoughts of the future and pain is often tied to the past."

-Eckhart Tolle

All you can do is focus on the now. What needs to be done today? What will accelerate your success for tomorrow? How can you build your momentum day after day? It has been said that we are our own worst critic, but no one ever got anywhere without setting the goals to do so. Push yourself and know that you are powerful. Know that you affect change in the world, and you will.

Conclusion

A great way to watch your momentum grow is with quick reflection. On your commute home or right before bed, consider your five little wins each day. Write them down. Write five things you did well or five things you influenced so they might be better tomorrow. Measure where the process was made and continue to iterate. This is the journey of your life, and reflection is stopping to smell the roses.

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